If I could I would register myself as two people, if there was a register for such things. A register of people who do not always know themselves; the person in the mirror looks the same but uses a different name. They never tell you this name so you would have to register them as Unknown followed by hashtag number because I know I’m not alone. I’m not the only one whose body has become a home for more than one.
Between us we do not keep it very tidy. Housekeeping isn’t very high on our priorities list (imagining we have one).
Nor is eating or showering. We do remember to clean our teeth and sometimes remember to change our underwear, and hoover but mainly we sit, sleep, and stare. At empty space, the TV, social media, our skin, the inside of a blanket or our eyelids.
Sometimes I read and Unknown leaves for awhile. Where they go, I don’t know, I don’t mind because its finally quiet. There is only room for one mind in one skull. To make space we’ve both begun to compartmentalise and repress different parts of ourselves; parts we still need. We’ve found space for both of us but not balance. If one of us is stable the other is hanging from a tightrope, with yellowing knuckles.
Maybe one of us needs to leave but I fear it is too late. I fear we would miss each other too much. And so, we are stuck like this; rising and falling, trying to find a rhythm like the sea and the shore or like thunder and lightning in a storm.
© Kristiana Reed 2019