I feel an emptiness but I also need to buy milk and tonight’s dinner. I’ve made it to the shops but there is a coffee house here. So instead of milk and dinner, I’m hiding in the back, settled into a semi-circular swing back chair, with a hot chocolate and cake I can’t really afford. I went for a small hot chocolate to prove it could have been worse.
I should have sat outside. I could have watched the world go by but today my world is full of judgement and heavy footsteps. Too heavy for my heart to handle.
This morning I felt on the brink of collapse. The worry I would go to work and my heart would stop, a too real and too frequent thought. My peripheral vision is yet to return and I think the female barista thought I was rude and the male barista may have been trying to get into my knickers. He said ‘No, thank you’ when I thanked him for doing his job. Now I wonder if he was thanking me because his toilet read is Customer Service 101 or if he liked the look of me or if he knew I needed reminding I exist.
I exist because my heart hasn’t stopped yet. I haven’t lost enough blood yet. It’s as simple as that, isn’t it? Existence isn’t futile. It’s the question on the exam paper you over think because it can’t be that easy, surely? And so, those too easy questions become the hardest ones. The final hurdle we trip over into a track full of final hurdles. Life shouldn’t be as easy as spending money you don’t have on a delicious hot chocolate and hiding. But it is.
I know it is, because I just checked my pulse. My heart is still beating and ripples in my jumper tell me my lungs are still breathing. I’m existing. Maybe not at one hundred percent but anything above zero still counts.
© Kristiana Reed 2018