Baked in a beautiful pie (3)

‘She’s imperfect, but she tries

She is good, but she lies

She is hard on herself

She is broken and won’t ask for help

She is messy, but she’s kind

She is lonely most of the time

She is all of this mixed up and baked in a beautiful pie

She is gone, but she used to be mine’ – Sara Bareilles, She Used To Be Mine.

This song is from the musical Waitress and every time I listen to it the chorus hits home, especially the line in bold. I always struggled with ‘who I was’. I was convinced I should already know ‘who I was’. On reflection, what does that even mean, to know who you are? My version of self aware was labelling myself ‘a bitch’ and owning it. I called myself a bitch because I was honest. I called myself a bitch because I said things others didn’t want to hear. A bitch because I could be nasty. A bitch because I was fiercely loyal. A bitch because I cut people off. A bitch because sometimes I didn’t smile.

Come university and ‘self awareness’ became self loathing. My opinion of myself was so unhealthily low I struggle to revisit that time in my life, even in the safety of the present. After any interaction with someone I dismantled myself – took apart every word, gesture and awkward silence. I still have to keep this behaviour in check.

This leads me to this song and Day 1. I have always been the place. I have always been all of those things ‘baked in a beautiful pie’. Self loathing almost killed me but here I am. The reason this song moves me is because it reminds me we don’t have to unpick ourselves until we are a floor littered with discarded thread. We can be all of those things. I can be whole rather than playing roulette with the facets of my personality.

When Sara says ‘she used to be mine’, I smile because if she used to be mine, she always will be mine.

Image credit. 

__________________________________________________________

The rules they want me to follow:

1.Thank the person who nominated you.  – Thank you Brandewulf, it was interesting to delve into myself and choose three quotes/pieces of writing which have inspired me or moved me.

2.Share a post each day for three consecutive days (3 quotes total)

3.Explain why you like the quote

4.Nominate three bloggers to play along (I chose to do two a day).

Whether the wonderful people below play along or not, check them out:

  1. Kindra M. Austin – I think she is absolutely awesome . She’s fierce, powerful and an inspiration for me. Do give her some love ❤
  2. Eric from My Sword and Shield… Incredible writer. Absolutely wonderful.

 

3 thoughts on “Baked in a beautiful pie (3)

  1. S_MW says:

    “I called myself a bitch because I was honest. I called myself a bitch because I said things others didn’t want to hear. A bitch because I could be nasty. A bitch because I was fiercely loyal. A bitch because I cut people off. A bitch because sometimes I didn’t smile.”

    I love the honesty of this and it made me gasp, because you described someone I love more than life. My daughter. I expect you’re no more a bitch than she is. Thank you so much for writing this. x

    Liked by 1 person

    • Kristiana says:

      Aww thank you! Young girls and woman see the world around them and their perception of themselves becomes so toxic because of what we are told, how we are told to behave, what is expected of us etc. I wanted to write something that moves away from that crap and helps us embrace what we have always been and what we become x

      Like

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