In Progress: Connection (8)


As things go up, confidence grows and happiness returns, for others, things decline, fill with uncertainty and anxiety about a future no longer paved in gold. Our emotions are easily changed, chained to those around us. We begin to juggle our thoughts and feelings and catch others, dropping, falling from the air. They land in the palms of our hands, ours to hold and feel too. Yesterday, I felt at a loss and sad. Sadness was pulsating around the room, as if alive. The very real, suffocating elephant in the room. Hours passed, in which reassuring smiles were exchanged, small gestures tentatively performed – a pat, a rub, a cup of tea. Yet, no words escaped our mouths, no syllables slipped from the downward curls of our lips. No words were formed which we hope will wrap their meaning around us, support and hold us up.

Until later, where we exchanged a few. ‘Are you okay?’ The simultaneous action spoke louder, comforted more. A cuddle. The cuddle where permission is given, unspoken. The air clears, the sadness less heavy, conspicuous and no longer able to bore so relentlessly into your heart. Connection is rooted in emotion, in interaction through words or movements. In the darkest hours, we preach words. Words open the door into our home, a home built with doubt, fleeting moments of victory and failure; allowing someone to settle into the squishy settee you call a heart, it is there where you find sadness and love. Allow the words to ring true and the touch to remind you of the love.

Connection in its purest form is magical. On the periphery connection frightens us, opens us up to harm. Relationships come and go, we pick and choose, discard easily; sometimes mutually. The offers of new connections ever present themselves. With a colleague, cashier and I couldn’t think of another ‘c’. I’ve realised connections hold power to build as well as threaten to shatter the windows of your soul, shake the foundations you’ve built from the first time you learnt something about the world. Forming new relationships is a time of laying down judgement, a time of discovery and saying yes. I’ve avoided a connection twice now – deflected it. I’m disappointed in this because in weeks to come I’ll moan I’m always left behind. The truth is I’m left behind because I’m stood at the cross roads debating with the angel and devil on my shoulder how many I can let into my heart. I’m stood at the cross roads breaking my own heart.

Next time, I’ll say yes.

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