This week was all about settling in; into a new job, new routine and new environment. It was difficult but enabled some sweet reflection by the end.
My body is no doubt telling me I’m nervous. But, for the first time, my mind isn’t, which is a breath of fresh air. I took a nap, I lolled my head and I cleaned the bathroom. I am prepared, perhaps not to the minutest detail; enough to survive day one. I’ve spent time planning and with the freedom I’ve been given, I’m looking forward to delivering. I remember being a pupil and a smiling, calm and happy teacher was often enough to get me through the day. Often, I forget I am someone children see everyday – someone who could easily ruin or make their day. Above all else, I will try and bear this in mind this week.
I’ll admit I didn’t write this over breakfast like I planned. I was too busy focusing on digesting breakfast, opening and closing my mouth, remembering to breathe. Praying for the bile to stay where it belongs, to forget creeping up my throat. On the day I needed confidence, I struggled to muster it. I was terrified. The quitter inside no longer waiting quietly to be summoned. This morning she was dancing, laughing, twisting defeatist thoughts around and round. I made it though.
Being the new girl was good fun, being brash and honest with the kids was also fun. It’s one thing I’ve learnt. Kids appreciate the teachers who unashamedly throw their hands up, ask for their help (at getting the bloody sound to work), rather than the immovable stern one who ploughs on through the wreckage of their inflexibility. After all, I know who I think is the better role model.
“The Sun himself is weak when he first rises, and gathers strength and courage as the day gets on.” – Charles Dickens. This is how I am moving through this nerve-wracking week. Stomaching breakfast was a struggle again. However, I’ve met all most of my classes, so I hope the nerves remain at bay the next few days. I always knew it’d be a week for settling and at least I’m enjoying myself.
Settling has led to sickness. I’ve allowed the nerves to envelop me. My appetite has deteriorated which I’m sure has run me down. For three days I’ve prioritised dinner only, complimenting it with nibbles. This has to end today. I’m doing myself a disservice and allowing confidence to bloom in one place and overrule everything else. I’m happy finding my feet and I’d prefer that to having the floor ripped from beneath me. I must be kind to myself and conquer Thursday and Friday.
I’m attempting to be on top of my world today and yes I am writing this in the morning. Today I’ll meeting more classes. However, I haven’t encountered anything I cannot handle yet so I should be fine. I’m feeling better and that’s important.
I conquered today too. One week beneath my belt, with few unfamiliarities left to experience. I’m pleased I made it, it could have been smoother, I could have made it smoother. Here’s to an even better week next week! In other news, I saw my best friend and have been reminded of the need, as usual, to reach out more often. I’m very good at hindsight, at saying ‘Oh you should have called.’ And yet, do I ever make the call myself? We’re so good at being lonely and unhappy. It astounds me one of the hardest jobs in life is being happy, or should I say, staying happy. On this I wrote the following – Lessons in Loneliness.
Appreciation of the weekend has returned, as well as the typical wishing away my life teacher outlook. I want to take the time to reflect. This week was my week as the new girl and I survived. Funnily enough, today’s quote is quite apt. I don’t think I realised how much pretence is involved in confidence until you experience settling in again somewhere new. Feigning confidence when nervous, holding shoulders back and teaching like you’ve been doing this for years whilst trying to suss out everybody. Laughing whilst your head is in the next lesson. Drawing up lists and plans when ultimately our free time and motivation is often up in the air. There is a lot of internal drama we maintain and entertain. We truly do, ‘fake it until we make it’.